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No. 55 

A BAD MIX-UP 



Dialog 
for 5 males 



By E. J. FREUND 



No plays exchanged 



Antigo Publishing Company 

Antigo, Wisconsin 

Copyright 192< by Antigo Publishing Company 



ABADMIXUP 



Characters: 

Mr. Bum j. two gents of like stature and 
Mr. Gum ' clothes, as near a double in person- 
ality as possible. 

Mr. Wull j. tramps of like stature and clothes 
Mr. Dull ' as near a double as possible. 

Policeman, in uniform , 

Scene: 

Street, front of dwelling in center, with 
door. Entrance to stage right and left. 



TMP92-009297 



m ^©TlD 57174 



#,gjABadMixup 

Wull (enters right). Oh, the happy sensation 
inside of me (strikes stomach). My inner 
machinery seems to be rusted over on account 
of being put out of commission for quite a 
while. My stomach gnarls like a mad cur. 
I think it's almost a week ago since I had my 
last meal. I have no idea any more what 
taste is like. I think I would not know the 
difference between a beefsteak and a bootleg. 
If nothing turns up soon, I will be obliged 
to eat my old hat (takes off hat and 
scrutinizes same). I am afraid it won't ren- 
der me a meal neither (has arrived at door 
left, exit). 

Dull (enters). They tell me Vesuvius again has 
had an eruption. I feel as tho Vesuvius has 
erupted within my stomach (feels stomach). 
It feels all dried up. Before I will be able 
to eat a good meal, I'm afraid I will have to 
drink water in order to draw the cracks to- 
gether, otherwise everything will leak out. 
Yea, my dear stomach. It is gone and only 
a cavity left where it used to hang. If my 
plight continues, my stomach will dry to my 
backbone. If that happens, I may sell my- 



self as a board to some contractor (has arrived 
at left door. Policeman enters right. Dull 
makes a long nose and skips thru door left). 

Police (wiping- perspiration off his face). A 
fellow ought to own forty eyes in order to 
watch wretches like that one, and a hare's 
legs in order to catch them. 

Bum (enters thru center door). Say, cop, can 
you get me a man to do an errand for me ? 

Police. I just saw a mealy person hanging 
around here, who went out that way (points 
to left door). I believe he is coming back 
(Dull enters left). There he is. Set him to 
work; and make him work hard (exit left). 

Dull (calling after him). Thanks. The same 
to you. 

Bum (to Dull). Have you got time? 

Dull. Time enough for anything; that's all I 
have got. 

Bum (presenting jug in hand). Look, see this 



jug 



Dull (takes jug and puts it to his mouth). It 

is an empty one. 
Bum. And here is a quarter. 
Dull (takes money, walks to exit). Thank you, 

sir. 
Bum. Hold on, sir, not quite so hasty. You 

take the jug and the quarter and fetch me a 

MAR I9i9^i 



quart of milk from the creamery around the 
corner. Understand? 

Dull. With all within me — yes, sir. 

Bum. Then go. I'll meet you here in ten min- 
utes (exit thru center door. Dull exit left.) 

Police (passes from right to left, as tho making 
his beat). 

Wull (enters right). I am making my rounds 
just as well as yon cop, with the only differ- 
ence that his round is wider than mine 
(measures his stomach). 

Gum (enters left, calls after Wull). Hey there, 
Beanstalks, or whatever your name may be — 

, you are just the man I am looking for. 

Wull (turns toward bim). My name is Wull, 
Fred Wull; my father's name is Frank Wull; 
my granddaddy-s name was Fred Wull; my 
great granddaddy's name was .... 

Gum. Ah, stop — I don't care for the history 
of your family. Will you do an errand for 
me ? 

Wull. With the greatest of speed, providing 
there is something in it for me. 

Gum. Take this basket and this dollar, go to 
the meat market around the corner and fetch 
me a beef roast. I'll meet you here in ten 
minutes. 

Wull (stares at money in his hand). All right, 



6 

sir, I'll be back here in ten minutes (Gum 
exit left). A dollar. One hundert cents to 
buy meat for. He must be a millionaire. I'll 
tell that butcher to put in an extra sausage 
for me, then I'll feel like a man once more 
(exit right). 

Police (enters right). I am watching these two. • 
They look alike and act alike, very likely 
birds of the same feather. I am going to 
keep tab on them for a while. These lazy- 
bones ought to be put to work, and hard work 
at that. They don't do anything worth while, 
pay no taxes, but loaf about the streets and 
beg for money and meals; and should they 
die, the city has to pay for their burial. I'm 
going to watch them. 

Bum (enters center), Hello, cop. Did you see 
a loafer around here with a jug? 

Police. Well, didn't you talk with one just two 
minutes ago? 

Bum. That was about ten minutes ago. 1 han- 
ded him a jug and a quarter and ordered him 
to get milk from the creamery around the 
corner. 

Police. No, you didn't; you handed him a bas- 
ket and a dollar and told him to go and get 
some meat for you, just two minutes ago. 

Bum. Say, cop, your imagination is working 



overtime. I haven't been on the street for 
the last ten minutes. 

Police. Don't know what I'm talking about? I 
positively saw you here two minutes ago. 

Bum. Why, man, you are as crazy as a bed- 
bug. 

Police. Take care, old man, I won't permit you 
to fool me like this. Haven't I got eyes in 
my face? I caution you, don't fop the cop, 
or something may happen to you. 

Bum (walking backward until he feels the door 
in his back, talking). That is the craziest 
chap I've met for a long while. He ought 
to be laid off for good. Officers of his sort are 
dangerous to meet on the street (exit in haste 
thru door). 

Police (watching him disappear, musingly). 
His thinking box is out of order, the way it 
seems to me. I'll watch him as soon as he 
comes out of his den again. One must keep 
an eye on his sort (stands before center door, 
back towards audience, watching). 

Gum (enters left, smoking pipe, good natured- 
ly.) Good morning, cop. Have you noticed 
a young never-do-good about here who acted 
as tho his conscience was encumbered? 

Police (grabbing for his club). There, he is 
coming the other way. Say, Mister, if you 



put that same question again to me, I'll hit 
you over the head with this club. Understand ? 

Gum (frightened, drops pipe from mouth). 
This beats me. What's the matter with that 
fellow? He feels offended at a civil question? 

Police. Civil? You call trhat civil? Didn't 1 
answer that very same question just a minute 
ago? Have you forgotten so suddenly? Your 
memory must be impaired. 

Gum. A minute ago? What are you talking 
about. I haven't been on this street for the 
last ten minutes. 

Police. There, he starts the same stuff over 
again. See here, sir: — You leave this street 
this moment and go right back into your den, 
do you hear? 

Gum (staring ot Policeman in bewildered man- 
ner). Say. . . . you're a peach . . . You are 
ripe for the hospital, I s'pose .... Did some- 
body put straw in your head? 

Police (agitatedly). See here, old man, I've 
cautioned you a minute ago that something 
would happen to you if you'd fop the cop. 
Now I'm going to run you in (grabs Gum's 
arm). Shake alono* sir. 

Gum (tearing away). You shake along your- 
self. I'll report this to the Board of health 
(exit right). 



9 

Dull (enters left, jug in hand, addresses police- 
man). Did you see a short fleshy man here 
with a red nose onhis face? 

Police. Should say so. Saw him here numer- 
ous times. The last time he left in that direc- 
tion (points right). 

Dull. Thanks. If you should happen to meet 
him again, tell him to look me up at No. 000 
in the basement (exit right). 

Police (walks to and fro, swinging club.) 

Wull (enters right, with basket). Say, you 
wandering Jew there, did you see a nice look- 
ing, short and fleshy old gent here, while you 
were cruising about here? 

Police (takes hold of VVulPs collar). I am not 
fooled that easy, young man. A moment ago 
you were lugging a jug and now you carry 
a basket on your arm, imagining, of course, 
that I won't know you. 

Wull. I should say not, you all-knowing ser- 
vant of justice; there is no reason why I 
should steal this basket. A man handed it to 
me about ten minutes ago and told me to get 
meat for him; I am looking for this man just 
now. 

Police. Didn't you enquire just a minute ago 

for this very same man? 
Wull. To be sure, not; this is the very first 

time. 



10 

Police (grabbing a tighter hold of Wull's col- 
lar). You're fibbing, young man. Don't try- 
that again with me. 

Wull. You are mistaken, sir, I am not lying, 
but just now terribly embarrassed. 

Police. Well, I'll give you just two minutes to 
vamp — go! 

Wull (hasting towards left, meets Bum, enter- 
ing). 

Bum. Hello! Here's my man. Where is your 
milk? 

Wull. I've got no milk, but I got the meat you 
ordered (offers basket). 

Bum. Nonsense. I didn't give you a basket, I 
gave you a jug to get milk in forme. Where 
is my jug and my milk? 

Wull. You are mistaken, sir. On this very 
same spot, just ten minutes ago you handed 
me this basket and one dollar to get you this 
meat for. 

Bum. Yes. Very good . . . Just ten minutes 
ago, on this very same spot, I handed you a 
jug and twentyfive cents to get me some 
milk. Now you are trying to play the ignor- 
amus on me. But I won't be fooled. 

Wull (staring at Bum). He must have been 
swallowing a nest of yellowjackets I fear, 
and they are turning his head topsy-turvy. 



11 

Bum (grabs WulPs collar). Look-a here, young 
man, if you don't hand out either my money 
or my milk, I'll smash you one or two on 
your donkey spoons that will make all the 
bells in your steeple ring like ten thousand 
tinkles. 

Wull (tears loose, walks up to policeman). Say, 
captain, pinch me in the arm so I'll know 
that I am myself; and then please kick that 
guy into the middle of next week, will you ? 

Police. Ah, gowan, it's none of my business. 

Bum (pointing finger downwards). Here you 
come and give me my milk. 

Wull (pointing finger to package). Here is 
your meat if you want it; your milk I 
haven't got, 

Bum (pointing downwards). Here you come 
and give me my quarter. 

Wull. I haven't got your quarter. Your dol- 
lar I've paid out for your meat. 

Bum. Give me that money or I'll scrub the 
street with you (grabs him). 

Wull. Let me go, I say, I'm afraid of lunatics. 

Bum (shakes him). You call me crazy, hey? 

Police (pulls Bum away, kicks Wull off). This 
is enough now. No more of this nuisance on 
this street. Get out of here, both of you. 

Bum (enraged). Wait, I'll show that fellow 



12 

something (follows Wull; Wull drops down; 
Bum falls over him; Wull gets up and runs 
out right; Bum gets up; to policeman.) Why, 
didn't you hold him? (aside). The whole 
world seems to be crazy (to audience.) Won- 
der if I ain't a little bit crazy myself (exit 
left). 

Police. You bet your sweet life, you are . . . 
This is a fools' corner. I'll keep watching it. 

Dull (enters right, persecuted by Gum). 

Gum (chiding after Dull). Just wait, I'll show 
you something. I sent you for one dollar's 
worth of meat and you are coming back with 
a quarter's worth of milk. You are robbing 
me of 75 cents. 

Dull (on the move). And I tell you, you are 
wrong, entirely wrong. You gave me this 
jug and a quarter, that's all. You're trying 
to chin me out of money, you shark (stands). 

Gum. You are crazy, I tell you, that's what 
you are. I am no member of the Christian 
Science church who drinks milk for health; I 
am eating my daily meat; and I want it of 
you, rascal. Give it to me. 

Dull. You didn't send me after meat; it was 
milk you ordered, no meat. 

Gum. Meat it was, you squareheaded sheep. 
You're head is turned round about so you 
don't know what you are doing. 

Dull. Now, that's enough of your crookedness. 
My head belongs to me and doesn't concern 
you at all. 



13 

Gum. Crookedness, you say? I'll show you 
pretty soon who is a crook on this street. 
Give me my dollar back, if you haven't got 
the meat. 

Dull. You either take this milk, or I'll drink 
it. 

Gum. Drink it for all I care. I want money 
... .or . . .meat (grabs Dull by his scalp and 
shakes him). 

Police (rushes up and collars Gum). See here, 
you fighting roosters, I have got just about 
enough of this tomfoolery on a public street. 
I'll shake all your molars out of your foul 
mouth (shakes him). 

Gum (astonished). Why, what's the matter, 
cop? 

Police. Just a moment ago yor were quarreling 
about a basket and now you repeat the racket 
by fighting over a jug." That's what's the 
matter. 

Dull. Well, look-a here, cop, this man sent me 
around the corner for some milk, and now 
he wants meat instead of milk. 

Gum (in ecstasy). Oh, the dyed-in-the-wool 
liar, deadbeat and falsehood teller! Some one 
has cut his conscience out of his anatomy, I'm 
sure. 

Police. Don't waste your wind any longer, gent- 
lemen, you are entirely out of order on this 
street. Skip to your dens. 

Gum. Great Alexander, what is this town com- 
ing to? (exit right). 



14 

Dull. Say, cop, there is good milk in this jug, 
and the crazjr fellow didn't want it. It would 
be a pity to let it sour (hands jug- to police- 
man). Take a drink. 

Police (takes a long drink from jug, wipes his 
mustache, smacks.) 

Dull. Is it good? 

Police. Hm — hm (drinks again). There, that's 
what the monkey did when the crows quar- 
reled over cheese (hands jug back). The fel- 
low who wouldn't take that is a fool (exit 
right). 

Dull (looking into jug, turning it over, shaking 
head). It is empty. That cop took gulps 
like a cow. 

Bum (enters left). There's the rogue. Now 
give me my milk (takes jug away from Dull 
and peeps into it). What's this? There is 
nothing in it. The milk is gone (looks sharp 
at Dull). Where is the meat you were try- 
ing to persuade onto me? 

Dull. You didn't send me after meat. 

Bum. That is so, but a minute or two ago you 
were arguing your head off in order to prove 
that I had sent you after meat. Where did 
you leave your basket? 

Dull. I never had a basket, nor meat. 

Bum. Yes, I know you are lying like a candi- 
date before election. What did you do with 
my meat? 

Dull. I have been telling you right along that 



15 

I never had your meat, neither have you seen 
me with a basket. And as to your milk, you 
told me you did not want it, so the policeman 
drank it all. 

Bum. What's that? He drank it, yon say? All 
right, in that case I'll have to maul it out of 
you again (drives Dull around the stage with- 
out getting a hold of him.) 

Policeman (enters right, collars both). This is 
the last of your rooster fight, I tell you. I 
won't have any more of it on this street, so 
you come along to the pen. That is a fitting 
place for the like of you (drags off with them). 

Dull. Is this how you are paying for the milk 
you drank? 

Police. Shut your mouth. This way, boys, 
this way (exit right with them). 

Wull (enters left, with basket; picking his 
teeth with a tooth pick). That was a regular 
treat. Since that distorted fleshy old gent 
did not want his meat, I exchanged it at the 
hotel for fourteen ham sandwiches and ate 
every crumb of them. Now I feel better 
(pets stomach). 

Gum (enters right). At last! Now let me have 
my basket with my meat. 

Wull. The meat is gone. Five minutes ago I 
tried my very best to make you take the 
meat, but you wouldn't have it; 3 T ou wanted 
milk instead of meat. 

Gum. Lying again as fast as ever. You wan- 
ted to give me a jug of milk; meat you didn't 



16 

have. Where is my meat? 

Wull. Didn't I tell you? When you' refused 
to take it, I went to the hotel and exchanged 
it for fourteen ham sandwiches, which I ate. 
Did you expect me to carry my basket all 
day along with me? 

Gum, This beats all. Didn't I ask you for my 
meat all the time and didn't you want to un- 
load a jug of milk on me in its place? You 
are rattled and don't know what you are 
talking about. Where did you leave my dol- 
lar? 

Wull. For your dollar I bought your meat, 
and for your meat I got fourteen sandwiches, 
which I ate. Now don't ask that question 
again, for this is the last time I am going to 
answer it. 

Gum (irefully). And this is the last time I'll 
ask you for it. Come here (grabs Wull and 
hits him in the neck. Wull screams). 

Police (rushes in right). Here, stop that, I say. 
Stop clubbing the fellow. Do you hear me 
(collars both, looks sharp at each of them). 
Of all the world — how do you get here 
again? Just a few minutes ago I locked both 
of you up in the calaboose. 

Gum. Dear me, here is the other crazy jack 
again. 

Wull. I have never seen the inside of a jail, 
sir. 

Police (enraged). Stop your lying. Just five 
minutes ago I delivered both of you over to 



17 

the jailer. How you managed to be out here 
again, passes my understanding. 

Gum. Yes, yes, you're right, perfectly right — 
I am crazy, he is crazy, you are crazy, we 
are crazy . . . 

Police. All right, sir. Good you admit it your- 
self. I see the jail was the wrong place for 
you, so I'll deliver you up at the insane asy- 
lum. Push ahead, fools (pushes them to door 
right, when this flies open and Bum and Dull 

. enter. Being greatly amazed at this, police- 
man loosens grip on Gum and Wull. — All 
scrutinize each other with great conster- 
nation). 

Tableau: left from audience, Gum, opposite 
right, Bum; left from audience, Wull, opposite 
right, Dull. Policeman backs, step for step, 
slowly towards left door, speaking as follows): 
For the love of Joe . . . . This beats me .... I 
have quite often seen things double where 
there was only one .... But I'll eat my hat if 
I ever saw four men confronting each other 
where there were only two ten seconds ago 
. . . . two of them going and coming at the 
same time . . This street must be haunted . . . 
I'll give up. This is too much for me. . . . too 
much . . too awkward (grabs club and 
stands on the defensive) . . . 

Bum (to Gum). So you are the man who got 
my milk. 

Gum (to Bum). And you are the man who got 
my meat (both turn up their sleeves as if get- 



18 

ting ready for a fight.) 

Dull (to Wull). And I believe you are the ras- 
cal who played my double. 

Wull (to Dull). And you are the rogue who 
fooled me (both start turning sleeves as if 
getting ready for a fight.) 

Police. There! They are at it again, this time 
all four of them. But I'll disentangle this 
bad mixup with my club (clubs hard, i. e. 
makes it appear so.) Clear the street, I say 
....clear the sidewalk... step lively ... 
and watch your step (drives all four out and 
walks after them, clubbing). 

Curtain. 



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